I have a fair few friends who have been putting so much pressure on meeting that special someone that quite frankly, it’s becoming harmful.
These friends (and I’m guessing many other people) take it so personally when a date doesn’t go well or a string of dates unexpectedly comes to an end that they spend at least 24 hours in a state of turmoil, upset and self-hate. Questioning what went wrong, what they could have done differently to what they should change about themselves.
With more of us turning to the internet to meet someone, Tinder for example, the dating game has changed. Things move at a million miles an minute and all of a sudden the situation has flipped completely on its head and that person you thought was perfect for you after a few days of messaging just stops. Or perhaps you got to your first date and before they just vanished off the face of the earth, or even that you get a few dates in and they’re suddenly telling you there’s no connection. That level of rejection, time after time, that rollercoaster of emotion, is bound to screw you up!
So how do we stop putting so much on this?
First of all, I’m a firm believer in the idea if you can’t find happiness in your own life, on your own, then how can we expect anyone else to make us happy, and in turn, make them happy? And if that’s what you’re looking for from a significant other, just think about the pressure you’re putting on that person? It’s a losing hand before it’s even begun.
I’ve been single for 2 years now, I’ve used Tinder, I’ve had a few flops and a few successful strings of dates, I’ve been the one to call things off and I’ve been on the receiving end of a few ‘lines’ myself.
My secret to not taking this apparent rejection personally? Look at it this way, it’s not you, it’s them. No, Really! I keep meeting some lovely men, go on a few dates, even headed towards relationship territory, then realise that I just don’t have time to date right now. I have two jobs along side my hobbies and other commitments and when I get a night off I just want to have a night off, not go out for dinner etc. I’ve been asked ‘is it something I’ve done?’, and quite literally, no! It really is just me.
What about the whole ‘you’re not my type’ thing? It’s literally as simple as that, sorry! Stop trying to read between the lines, stop thinking that you have to change the way you look to fit into that one person’s ideal, accept that they’re not that into you and move onto the chance of finding someone who does appreciate you as all of YOU (awesome, wonderful YOU). The only person who can change someone’s mind is them; you can’t control anyone but your own mind.
The Yogic concept of Non Attachment (Vairagya) helps here, the idea that we can go about our lives, enjoying the journey, doing all of the things we do without worrying about the outcome.
So, lighten up! Dating is fun! Even if nothing serious comes of it, we should just enjoy ourselves.
Try going about it different way, with a different intention? What if went into each of these situations with the sole idea of getting to know the person better? That way, the worst thing that could happen is that we end up meeting someone new, share some stories and life experiences, perhaps gain a new friend. And what’s wrong with that?
One last thing; look up from your phone! I actually saw two beautiful people at a bar last week ‘swiping’ on Tinder, stood right next to each other, waiting for their drinks. Imagine if they’d just looked to the person next to them?